Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
