a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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