with your own penis?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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