This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
