I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
