I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
