That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
