My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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