Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
