We won't sleep together?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
