so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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