How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
