I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
