Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
