The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
