Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
