So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
