Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
