Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
