I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize