Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
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