Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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