just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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