Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
