why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
