Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize