My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
