how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
