there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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