I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
