The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
