I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
