Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
