I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
