i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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