I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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