but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
