I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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