My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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