Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
