Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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