Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
