My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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