so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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