i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
