i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
