girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
