At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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