Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
