I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
