he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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