Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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