i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
