There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
