I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
