Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
