My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
