I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
