I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
