I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
