I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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