Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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